Charlie Sheen on ‘Men’ firing: 'Only war to wage' 

Charlie Sheen and his lawyer appear to be the only people on earth who were surprised by the actor’s firing from “Two and a Half Men.”

Monday, Warner Bros. terminated the increasingly unhinged star’s contract with an 11-page letter to attorney Marty Singer charging that — among many other damning allegations — “your client has been engaged in dangerously self-destructive behavior and appears to be very ill.” Producers documented multiple attempts to get Charlie help, and noted his “inflammatory comments” about show creator Chuck Lorre.

Singer brushed off the firing as an “absurd and ridiculous” response to the verbal attacks on Lorre, and declared, “We feel this is nothing more than Lorre flexing his muscles, and we intend to respond accordingly.”

Charlie himself, characteristically, had a somewhat less measured take on the situation.

“Put yourself in my shoes for one warlock nanosecond. At some point there is nothing to say. Only war to wage,” he ranted to People magazine via text message. “The winds are howling tonight. The gods are hungry. The beast is alive. And awake. And deadly.”

Oh, and did we mention how he whipped out a machete on the roof of a Beverly Hills office building?

Yeah, this is seriously not amusing anymore. Martin, get your son a 5150, stat.

Ex silence

We thought Britney Spears and Kevin Federline were on pretty good terms these days. But while the former spouses both showed up to support older son Sean at his Little League team’s season debut on Sunday, “they kept their distance from one another and didn’t speak,” a source told Us magazine.

Kevin, one of the team’s coaches, and girlfriend Victoria Prince brought Sean and little brother Jayden to the game in Calabasas. Then the “Hold It Against Me” singer showed up with agent boyfriend Jason Trawick.

“When Jayden saw Britney arrive, he raced over to her and she picked him up and gave him a big kiss,” relayed the source. “He wanted to sit with Britney and Jason.”  

“Victoria was sitting in the front row right next to Britney and Jason, but she kept to herself and talked to friends,” noted the source. “He [Federline] and Britney didn’t come near each other until the end of the game, and even then, they stayed separate and didn’t talk.”

Wonder if K-Fed was a bit miffed with his ex-wife for recently gushing to Ryan Seacrest about her new beau’s “ripped abs”? After all, lately the “Celebrity Fit Club” alum’s abs are ... well, let’s just say, difficult to discern.

Sisterly suspicions?

Does Penelope Cruz have something against Eva Longoria?

The “Desperate Housewives” star has been dating the Spanish actress’s brother, Eduardo Cruz, since soon after she split from ex-husband Tony Parker. And if you believe the National Enquirer — which we occasionally do — Penelope isn’t happy about the love match.

“Penelope is worried that the romance is nothing more than a rebound fling for Eva,” a source dished.

“Penelope doesn’t understand why Eduardo is settling for a woman nearly 10 years older, especially one who failed so spectacularly at her last relationship,” continues the source. (Eva is 35, Eduardo 23.) “She thinks Eduardo can do much better than Eva.”

Kitty Raymond is an entertainment writer and astrologer. She welcomes feedback at

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