Charlie Sheen and his ex-wife battle for worst-parent title 

Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife Brooke Mueller is reportedly back in rehab after a drug relapse — and the actor is planning to seek custody of their 2-year-old twin sons, Bob and Max.

Radar Online reported that Brooke refused to take a random drug test Friday — a condition of the joint custody agreement for both ex-spouses. The website claims she was calling friends to ask for clean urine samples, and attempted to sell a watch at a pawnshop in a sketchy neighborhood. (Does that mean she spent the $55,000 she gets every month in the divorce settlement?!)

According to the site, after a crack-cocaine spree, Brooke entered an in-patient rehab program last weekend.

And TMZ reported that Charlie’s lawyer will be in court today to seek full custody and an end to child support payments. Meanwhile, Brooke’s team allegedly plans to seek full custody plus a psychological evaluation of the former “Two and a Half Men” star.

“Charlie has had enough with her excuses, period,” a source told Radar. “Brooke refused to take a random drug test. Charlie’s attorney will use that as evidence that the boys are better off with him than with Brooke.”

If it turns out that Charlie Sheen is the more fit parent, we’re worried for these boys. Can’t Brangelina babysit for awhile?

Nic Cage’s Wild Night

More details have emerged about Nicolas Cage’s weekend arrest in New Orleans for allegedly disturbing the peace. The actor is said to have been so out of it early Saturday morning that he couldn’t remember where he lived.

“He was running around and screaming in the street,” a local bartender told People magazine.

Another local said, “Apparently he had mistaken the house of my neighbors for the other house up the block that he is actually renting. His wife [Alice Kim] was trying to persuade him from disturbing the elderly couple who do in fact live in that house.”

Once cops were called, the bartender said, Nic started to get in the car — “but the cop got out, walked around and Cage ran a block south toward the river, where he tried to get into a cab. There was a woman outside with a baby in her arms shouting, ‘Please don’t hurt us.’”

Yikes. We’re thinking Nic might want to get some help.

Gwyneth vs. the Haters

Dislike Gwyneth Paltrow? Well, it’s not her, it’s you, according to the star herself.

The Oscar winner, who has faced her fair share of haters, told Popeater, “I think my work ethic is the reason why I’m successful. I think that a lot of people don’t want to put in effort and it’s easier not to change, not do something good for you, not work on your relationship, not make yourself a meal, not work out. [They’re just] pissed off at someone else doing that.

“I think people mistake me trying to be the best version of myself for me telling them you’re not, or they just think well, what does that make me, then, you annoying [expletive] person on the soapbox.”

Actually, Gwyn, we think people are “pissed off” at you for a different reason. It’s because you don’t seem to realize that whipping up gourmet organic meals, writing cookbooks and going to the gym take more than just “effort” —  they require the money, connections and free time that you have, and us resentful regular folks don’t.

Kitty Raymond is an entertainment writer and astrologer. She welcomes feedback at

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