We’re pretty sick of lame, patently fabricated tabloid tales about how Jennifer Aniston is desperate to have a baby. But we could not pass up the chance to share a priceless National Enquirer story titled — no joke — “JEN’S TICKING BIO-TERROR CLOCK.” You can’t make this stuff up, people.
Unfortunately, the article does not make a compelling case that the former “Friends” star’s ovaries are potential weapons of mass destruction. Rather, a pal confides that “Jen started off 2010 with a New Year’s resolution that she’d become a mom, whether that meant adopting or getting pregnant. But Jen freaked out after her romantic comedy ‘The Bounty Hunter’ bombed, so Jen is feeling insecure about her career.”
This decision supposedly followed the actress’s desperate attempts to get a man to father her child.
“Jen tried to persuade Gerard [Butler] to be her baby daddy, but he turned her down flat,” says the so-called friend. “Before that, she’d begged John Mayer to start a family, and he refused, too.”
“After her fling with Gerard fizzled, Jen took stock of her life. As much as it bothers her, she came to the conclusion that having a baby alone is biting off more than she can chew.”
So basically: Same story, different title.
What is this, crazy-old-school-tabloid-story day? Along with Jennifer Aniston’s rampaging biological clock of doom, we have an item assuring us that Britney Spears plans to have her body cryogenically frozen in nitrogen.
“Britney gets these obsessions and this is the latest. It started when someone told her Walt Disney had been preserved by cryogenics to be revived in the future,” a source allegedly told Britain’s ever-credible Sun magazine. “That was a myth, but it got her researching [a cryogenics] foundation and she became convinced it was worth a shot.”
“She looked into having her ashes turned into diamonds after she is gone but settled on the chance of getting to live in the future,” adds the source.
Supposedly, throughout Britney’s recent weekend trip to Disneyland, a nanny watched her two sons while the “Circus” singer researched cryogenics online. Yes, you read that right: We are expected to believe that Britney Spears was researching cryogenics. At Disneyland.
So basically: Same old Michael Jackson rumors, recycled with Britney. (The ashes-into-diamonds thing was a nice touch, though.)
Is Jesse James manipulating Sandra Bullock through his children? The disgraced celebiker has reportedly been using his three kids to get to his practically-ex-wife, encouraging them to tug at her heartstrings.
A friend of Sandy’s told In Touch magazine that Jesse urges Chandler, 15, Jesse Jr., 12, and Sunny, 6, to “let Sandra know how much they miss her.”
On more than one occasion, he allegedly put Sunny, who bonded closely with her stepmom, on the phone with Sandra.
According to the source, “Sunny tells her she misses her and she misses Louis” — the New Orleans-born adopted son who was originally set to become the kids’ little brother.
Jesse is even said to have used a health scare to get a reaction from the Oscar-winning actress: “One time, he phoned Sandra and claimed Sunny was running a fever and asked if he should bring the little girl to the doctor.”
Sadly, this is one tabloid story that seems all too plausible to us.
Kitty Raymond is an entertainment writer and astrologer. She welcomes feedback at firstname.lastname@example.org.