Is that the sound of violins we hear? Poor, poor Jessica Alba said her post-baby body will never be the same as the one she showed off in flicks such as “Into the Blue” and “Sin City.”
“I can’t ever get down to the weight I was before I had [3-year-old daughter] Honor,” the “Good Luck Chuck” star, who is expecting her second child with husband Cash Warren, told Allure magazine. “My body’s just different. The jeans just sort of zip up differently, and things hang differently.
“It’s a miracle what happens, but you definitely are different afterward. Unless you’re Gisele [Bündchen].”
Ahem. Honey, you may not be Gisele, but you’re Jessica Alba, for crying out loud! If you don’t want to feel the wrath of millions of stretch-marked moms, you probably shouldn’t complain on record about your post-childbirth bod being slightly less slammin’ than it used to be.
From being left at the altar to being presumed dead, Hugh Hefner sure knows how to take things in stride. After becoming the latest victim of the celebrity-death-hoax Internet meme, the Playboy magazine mogul took to Twitter on Tuesday to reassure fans, “The rumors of my death are, as Mark Twain observed in a similar situation, greatly exaggerated. I’m very much alive & kicking.”
The octogenarian, who recently weathered being dumped by blond Bunny Crystal Harris days before their wedding — and is now plugging a Lifetime special called “Hef’s Runaway Bride,” lest you worried he’s truly brokenhearted — has already acquired another perky blond Playboy-model gal pal, Shera Bechard. For good measure, he told his followers, “I’m lying in bed next to Shera with a big smile on my face, reading tweets about my unexpected demise.”
Gotta hand it to Hef: The man truly pioneered the art of human being as “brand.” May he live to be 100 (no doubt, with a girlfriend who’s 25).
And speaking of the venerable girlie mag, we are shocked — just shocked — to learn that former Charlie Sheen girlfriend Bree Olson has posed for, and spilled her guts to, Playboy about their “tiger blood”-fueled relationship.
(For the sarcasm-challenged: She’s an adult-film star and, well, a former girlfriend of Charlie’s, so yeah, we’re actually not all that shocked.)
Slightly more surprising: The blonde who was dubbed a “goddess” as the former “Two and a Half Men” star’s career imploded — quite possibly along with his mind — had nothing but nice things to say about her volatile ex. When it comes to his skills with, er, intimacy, she called him “gentle and considerate” and gushed, “He’s just a rock star. He’s a powerhouse.”
Or, to be more blunt, “He’s good in bed,” Bree said. “I mean, he’s had a lot of practice.”
Coming from most other people, that might sound like a backhanded compliment. But we have a feeling Bree is being 100 percent earnest.
Kitty Raymond is an entertainment writer and astrologer. She welcomes feedback at firstname.lastname@example.org.