All aboard! Next stop, Crazy Town.
I’m your conductor, Jim Harbaugh, and all communication henceforth shall be liberally sprinkled with misdirection, outright evasion and, well, more than a little sheer lunacy.
Welcome to me. And get used to it, because quite frankly, I don’t give a damn what you think of me or the veracity of whatever might spill from my grill at any given moment.
Don’t even try to figure it all out, either. Even I don’t know what I’m saying most of the time. My primary goal, if we’re being totally honest, is to confound you. On that front, I must say I’m doing a fine job. You don’t know whether I’m coming or going, and that’s the way I like it.
Do my players understand what I say? I don’t care. I care even less if 49ers fans and the media understand. It keeps everyone on edge, on their toes, and that’s the way I like it.
Childish? Yeah. Maybe a little. After all, I’m a football lifer, but all work and no play makes Jim one cranky customer. And if you think I’m cranky in general, you don’t want to see me if I have to start worrying about how my cryptic messages are being deciphered.
It’s all beyond deciphering anyway, right?
Yeah, we flew across the country to check out Peyton Manning, but that was just in case Alex Smith got hit by a truck while we were watching Peyton.
Alex, as I’ve said all along, is our starting quarterback. Except when he’s not. Like against the Chicago Bears, New Orleans Saints and St. Louis Rams. But even then, he was our starting quarterback. We just happened to start Colin Kaepernick at quarterback.
That doesn’t make Colin our starting quarterback. Except when he is. Like those three games. And every other game this season.
Unless we start Alex in a couple of weeks. I mean, he IS our starting quarterback. He just doesn’t start anymore.
On that note, I have another big announcement to make. A.J. Jenkins is our No. 1 wideout. I told you he was awesome, right? Well, he is. He starts every day at practice, and he’s flippin’ amazing. But he probably won’t start this week or next, or in any other game for the rest of the season.
That doesn’t mean he’s not a starter, though. Which reminds me, we have a third starting quarterback I’d like to tell you about.
Tim Lincecum. Ring a bell? You’re not going to try to tell me he’s NOT a starter, are you?
DON’T DRINK AND SIGN: Speaking of Crazy Town, it might as well be Atlanta, where the Braves signed B.J. Upton, who batted in the .240s last season, to a five-year, $75 million contract this week.
Nice knowing you, Angel Pagan. If that set the market for him, he’s gone.
And while the Giants are saying their goodbyes, might as well get one ready for Brian Wilson. His I-might-like-to-be-a-Dodger comment alone should be grounds for a booting.
SPEED ROUND: And speaking of baseball, can we please institute a new rule regarding Hall of Fame voting? Here it is: If you don’t vote for Barry Bonds or Roger Clemens or any other suspected performance-enhancing drug user this year, but vote for them in subsequent years, you lose your right to vote. Either a guy is a Hall of Famer or not. The notion of “punishing” these alleged miscreants by not honoring them as first-ballot HOFers is nothing short of asinine. ... What exactly does Dennis Allen mean when he says the Raiders’ play is “unacceptable”? Where’s the accountability? Canning Rolando McClain is a start, but there’s a whole mess of underachievers in the McClain vein on that roster. Only when payroll thieves such as Richard Seymour get canned will “unacceptable” mean a damn thing. ... One last question: Is Andrew Bogut ready yet? What a mess. Same old Warriors.
Mychael Urban has covered Bay Area sports for more than 22 years as a contributor to Comcast SportsNet, CSNBayArea.com, KNBR, MLB.com, ESPN The Magazine and various newspapers. Follow him on Twitter @BigUrbSports. His website is UrbsUnchained.com.