Celebrities can afford to buy ... well, a lot more stuff than we can, let’s put it that way. But there are some gifts they might not even be aware they need. If we were playing Secret Santa to the stars, here is what we would bestow on them.
Charlie Sheen: A travel safe
We have no idea whether Charlie Sheen’s hunch that escort Capri Anderson stole his expensive watch is true, or if he maybe just misplaced it in, hm, a drunken, drug-fueled, naked rage. But if you are going to party with strangers — OK, if you are going to party like Charlie Sheen — you might want to keep your $150,000 trinket locked safely away.
Bristol Palin: Her own reality TV show
Face it, whether you love her or hate her, she has her foot in the door of reality-TV fame — and if she is anything like her “pit-bull” mama, Bristol Palin is prepared to burst through it with guns blazing. Were it within our power, we would be the first to offer the teen mom a contract. After all, the way the political wind is blowing, it might not be a bad thing to have the Palins owe us a favor.
Kanye West: His own social network
The outspoken rapper has already turned tweeting into an art form, and Facebook is so five minutes ago. So we would like to see Kanye West develop his own online communication platform, which would feed his ego and make checking our e-mail — no, wait, K-mail — a lot more fun. KanyeSpace has a nice ring to it.
Jennifer Aniston: A bad perm
Bear with us here: It was a hairstyle that famously jump-started Jennifer Aniston’s TV career, and now the former “Friends” star could use a boost in her film work. We are tired of seeing her in the same old generic rom-coms with the same old generic California-girl tresses. Bring on the frizz — and with it an unglamorous (read: Oscar bait) leading role!
Jay-Z and Beyoncé: A bassinet
As the ultimate hip-hop power couple, they have bling, Bentleys and pretty much every luxury money can buy. But the one thing missing in their lives is a little Jay Jr. or baby B. We would like to inspire these two to start a family — and we are guessing their kid will launch a clothing line and a record label before he or she can walk.
Kate Middleton: A wig and dark glasses
She has been Waity Katie for years, but she is about to go from commoner to princess faster than you can say “tea and crumpets.” In case the pressure of living in a royal fishbowl ever worries the future Mrs. William Windsor, we would like her to have a disguise so she can slip out of the palace unnoticed and mingle with the plebes once in a while.
Justin Bieber: A nose ring
It is exceedingly rare for teen-pop phenomena to make the transition from cute-as-a-button heartthrobs to adult artists, while maintaining the same level of fangirl fervor. (Hanson, anyone?) So unless the “Baby” singer wants to be slogging along on the New Kids-Bieb tour five years from now, he needs to edge it up a little — starting now. (A Mohawk would not be a bad idea either.)
Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal: An espresso maker
Sure, it is not like these two are hurting for cash — which is the usual reason people make coffee at home instead of hitting Starbucks. But on their cuddly coast-to-coast tour of coffeehouses, they are subject to prying eyes and iPhones. Brewing their own java would mean no more amateur-paparazzi pictures ending up online. Then again, what fun would that be?